“Some signs of codependency in friendships include anxiety when the friend is unable to be present, fear that the relationship will end, and isolation from other people and/or experiences in the community.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

“Abandonment early on in life, low feelings of self-worth, difficulties navigating social situations are all causes of codependency in friendships.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

As young children, we need and seek out support, love, and validation from the caretakers in our life. If we don’t get it, we develop coping skills to survive and often become “fixers,” learning to rely on ourselves for the things we need. It’s easy to see where and how the roles of taker and giver may infiltrate relationships later in life. 

“You can ask for more space, while acknowledging how long you’ll be away, you can talk openly about how you both should live well-balanced lives, and you can support your friend in finding additional resources to be successful.”

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

“Meeting with a therapist can help people understand the connection between abandonment and the need to be attached to other people. Creating space for a diversified approach to attachment and also inserting coping strategies to relieve anxiety along the way.” 

– Talkspace therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC

Sources:

1. Cullen J. Codependency: An Empirical Study from a Systemic Perspective. Contemp Fam Ther. 1999;21:505-526. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2000-13139-005. Accessed September 20, 2022.

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It’s true that deep, supportive friendship includes being there for each other through difficult times. Sharing about ourselves and our lives can also bring us closer together. However, if you’re feeling burned out from always listening to your friends’ problems and helping them find solutions, you might have fallen into a “therapist” role that you never signed up for — a role you likely are not qualified for, nor emotionally equipped to handle. 

If you want to get your friends to stop treating you like their therapist, read on for some tips on how to approach the situation.

Understand Healthy vs. Unhealthy Support

The first step in changing an unhealthy relationship dynamic is to recognize that it exists. You might find yourself wondering if the type of support you’re offering friends is typical of healthy relationships, or if it has crossed a line.

Your own feelings are a great clue here. If you find yourself feeling depleted more often than not after interacting with someone, this is a sign that the relationship may not be healthy or reciprocal. Characterizing the relationship as stressful or burdensome is another sign that you might be expending a lot more emotional labor than is expected in a healthy friendship.

Another indication that a friendship has crossed into unhealthy territory is when a friend has extremely high expectations for the time and energy you devote to them. They might become upset if you don’t text back right away, or want to talk on the phone for hours every night. Unrealistic demands like these are hallmarks of a relationship that has become codependent.

Talkspace therapist Dr. Amy Cirbus says another red flag is over investment. “If one person is angry that their advice is’t followed, or when they absorb their friend’s feelings as their own, an unhealthy line has been crossed.”

Being a supportive friend means listening, being present, and offering help, but only to the extent to which you are able to do so without burning yourself out. Once you recognize that a relationship is exhausting you, it’s time to make some changes.

Set Relationship Boundaries

The most important and effective way to change the dynamic of a lopsided friendship is to set boundaries. Relationship boundaries are limits that we set with other people that lay out subjects that are okay to talk about, the support we are comfortable providing, and the amount of time we are able to spend on the friendship.

It can feel uncomfortable to explicitly set boundaries with someone, especially if you don’t have much practice doing so. If you’re able to push past this initial discomfort, the payoff is rewarding: a healthier friendship. Communicating our needs and limits is an empowering experience that allows us to reclaim the agency that we might have lost in the course of the unhealthy relationship.

Once you’ve gotten clear on the boundaries you want to set and are ready to speak to your friend, Cirbus says to be clear and kind. “Let the person know that you want to be there for them, but can’t offer them the time or skill to really give them what they need,” she says. “Let them know how it makes you feel, while also offering ways to show up that feel healthy to you.”

Some examples of boundaries you might set with a friend who is treating you like their therapist include:

• “I want to be there for you, and I am also not always available. I can’t commit to texting back while I’m at work.”
• “I want to help you navigate [XYZ], and I also am feeling depleted when it is the only thing we talk about every time we hang out. I’d like to make sure we talk about other things when we spend time together.”
• “I want to support you with [XYZ], and I also do not feel comfortable giving you advice about it.”

It would be great if people honored the boundaries we set with them without fail, but this doesn’t always happen. If friends choose to ignore or push your boundaries, remind them of what you talked about. Kindly but firmly communicate that you will not tolerate a relationship that is not respectful of your boundaries. 

Help Them Seek Professional Help

There are two main reasons you shouldn’t play the part of your friend’s therapist. The first, as we’ve addressed, is that it can be extremely draining for you. The second is that it’s an ineffective way for your friend to have their needs met when what they really need is the support of a mental health professional. 

“Therapists are trained in how to provide support, offer feedback and guidance, and they’re skilled at boundary setting,” Cirbus says. “A primary benefit of going to a therapist is to have an unbiased third party offering perspective in a safe space. The relationship is structured, with a clear understanding of the purpose.”

Friendships, on the other hand, are mutual, rather than beneficial. “We can’t offer our friends objective feedback because we often have vested interests and personal reactions to a friend’s life choices,” Cirbus says.

With this in mind, one of the kindest and most helpful things you can do for a struggling friend is help them get started with therapy. You can send them resources to find a therapist, make a consultation appointment for them, or just check in with them before and after their first session. Starting therapy can be a confusing and tiring process, and it makes a big difference having someone to support you through it and hold you accountable.

Remember, though you may pride yourself on your great listening skills and excellent advice, it is not your job to be a friend’s therapist. In the process of trying to be one, you’ll likely sacrifice your own emotional health. So, recognize unhealthy behavior for what it is, set boundaries, and help your friends access real therapy — with Talkspace they can start therapy as soon as today. 

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Loneliness has been identified by many researchers as a significant public health issue. One study calls social interaction “a biological need, vital to physical wellbeing and even survival,” while another study links it to both depression and a 26% increase in premature mortality. Human beings are simply not meant to be socially isolated for long periods of time. If you haven’t been around others in months and feel a decline in mental health, there’s a lot of data that says you’ll likely get a strong boost of positivity just by going for a stroll outside with a friend.

But how do we engage with others and stay safe during an ongoing global pandemic? This is where things get much trickier. You don’t want to engage in a social activity that will get yourself sick or spread the virus to others. By staying informed, knowing your limits and respecting the boundaries of others, you can reconnect with friends without adding too much unnecessary risk.

If you noticed that your anxiety about social interactions, leaving the house, or getting the virus are resulting in maladaptive behaviours, talking to a therapist can be a good first step. You could be making things worse by continuing to isolate yourself — remember that your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Follow the Guidelines (and Not Fake News)

The COVID-19 pandemic has spawned an “infodemic” according to the World Health Organization (WHO). This is because there’s way too much information online with little input or regulation on what is true and what is false. It can be extremely difficult to figure out what exactly we’re allowed to do and how much risk we’re taking with those activities.

It’s best to limit the over-consumption of media and stick to official health-expert updates. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and WHO websites are good options. You’ll get proper instructions for wearing a mask, downloadable posters to share with others, and even advice for how to host a safe cook-out.

To ease our anxiety about social interactions, we need information that’s straight-forward and backed by research. This stops us from speculating and coming up with our own safety behaviours that may or may not be practical or effective. For example, WHO recommends not wearing a mask for exercising and reports that mosquito bites can not spread the virus.

Generally, a healthy social interaction might include organizing a meet-up with friends at an outdoor location where you can stay six feet apart. Don’t hug or shake hands, and come equipped with hand sanitizer. If you’re in close contact, especially indoors, wear a mask. Also remember that the longer you’re together, the greater the risk.

Know Your Limits, Play Within Them

Individually, we all have factors that change our experience and response to coronavirus. As you’re opening up your social circle, this is a good time to take inventory of how you’re doing. How have the past few months been for you? How has this been traumatic?

The word “traumatic” can seem extreme to some people but trauma can be loosely defined as an experience that exceeded your ability to cope or integrate the emotions into your present self. The National Institute of Mental Health found that approximately 50% of American adults will experience at least one traumatic event in their lives; however, most don’t develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Humans are highly adaptable and will develop new coping skills to integrate these overwhelming emotions — connecting with others for social support will help with both.

However, if you’re struggling with overwhelming negative emotions, uncontrollable thoughts, changes in eating or sleeping, or an inability to connect with others, these can be signs that the trauma is having a significant impact on your mental health. Freezing your feelings (i.e. being “numb” to the world) can also be a sign that you’re emotionally overwhelmed. A therapist can help you process these feelings and help you adjust to social interactions.

Even if You Don’t Agree, Respect Other People’s Boundaries

There is a high likelihood that not all of your friends will be on the same page about coronavirus or rules for social interactions. This is okay. We are all living in our own subjective reality and the pandemic is simply highlighting this fact. You don’t know your friend’s experience and they don’t know yours — but you can still extend empathy and respect.

Before meeting up with a friend, have a direct and honest conversation about your boundaries. You should also encourage them to discuss their own. Are they okay with sitting on a patio? Do you want them to wear a mask? Are they comfortable with you using their bathroom? This isn’t about judgement, which keeps us apart, it’s about building an understanding. If you can adapt to their boundaries and they can adapt to yours, you will be rewarded with a social interaction that can help the mental health of both of you. However, if you think it will be more stressful for one or both of you, it might be best to acknowledge the difference and say that you’ll wait awhile longer before meeting up.

These are incredibly complex and difficult times to navigate. It’s important to support each other rather than create defensive conversations. Hopefully, we will each find activities and people that can safely bring us relief from loneliness. And remember, if you’re struggling with loneliness and social isolation, speaking to a professional, licensed therapist can offer a valuable form of support — and if you’d like to get started today, online therapy is an inexpensive, convenient way to do so.

The post How to Reconnect With Friends Safely and Save Your Mental Health appeared first on Talkspace.

I’m single, I live alone, and I’m a freelancer, so I had no partner, roommate, or coworkers to help me expand my social circle. I quickly discovered that making friends wasn’t as easy as I’d always assumed. Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t connecting in meaningful ways with those who I share my new city with.

It’s hard to make friends as an adult because most of us are pretty set in our ways. We have our friends, our routines, and it’s hard to deviate from them. Plus, we don’t have the built-in opportunities we had when we were younger and everyone was at similar life stages. As we grow older, some may be married with kids, while other friends are single and having fun. When we’re younger most of us are in school, then college, and on to post-college life.

Also, maybe now that you’re older you’ve also been burned by friendships. It’s scary to be vulnerable and put yourself out there again if you’ve had a tough friend breakup.

But we all know that friendship is important— even research has equated friendship with happiness. A 2014 study found that the frequency of socialization is positively associated with life satisfaction.

While making friends as an adult can be tough, the best part about making new friends is an ability to create healthier friendship patterns. New friendships give you a clean slate, the opportunity to learn from mistakes in past friend relationships and forge new ones that have even stronger ties. You can find the friends who will most compliment you and help you achieve a more fulfilling life, people who you can be there for, too.

Tips to Make New Friends as an Adult

It will take some work to make new friends, but you’ll find it to be so worth it. Here are some strategies for making friends as an adult, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.

1. Become a joiner

Think about the things you wish you had more time to do. Are you a tennis player whose racquet has grown rusty? Join a tennis group. Pro tip: although many sports leagues are inherently social, you may want to look for a group that has a built-in social component to ensure conversation beyond the net.

2. Take classes

This doesn’t have to be as formal as going back to school, but if you’re interested in writing or learning a language, sign up for a class! Check out community colleges or language institutes in your area, and consider convening a study group outside of your class to practice your Spanish or a writing group to take these new friendships beyond the classroom.

3. Ask your existing friends

We’re going to assume you like your existing friends and you’re just looking to expand your social circle. Ask your current network who’s in their network. And make it specific — tell your friend, for example, that you’re looking for a yoga buddy or someone to try out new restaurants with.

4. Volunteer for a cause you believe in

Find a cause that you believe in, and volunteer your time. If altruism is something you value in a friend, this is a great way to meet someone whose values align with yours. You know that you have similar interests, and you’ll be sharing an experience together.

5. Find meetups for your interests

It doesn’t always have to be as formal as a club or class. Take whatever strange fascination you have, and there’s probably some sort of meetup for it. Live in downtown Jersey City and love the Gilmore Girls? There’s a meetup for that. You know you’ll automatically have a ton to talk about — and something you don’t typically get to talk about with others.

6. Look into support groups

Just lost a parent or just got divorced? Struggle with your mental health or live with a chronic condition? Consider looking into a support group. Your Talkspace therapist could help you find a more clinical group, but some are more informal. If you’re in your 20s and 30s, The Dinner Party is a great resource for those who have lost someone.

7. Use your kids or pets to your advantage

Whether you have a “furchild” or a human child, you automatically have another way to expand your circle. Find playgroups or activities for your child, and you’re bound to meet some like-minded parents as you watch them on the soccer field. If you’re a pet parent, you might want to try a meetup for your dog breed. Bonus: you’ll be surrounded by so many cute dogs!

8. Organize something yourself

Can’t find what you’re looking for? Create it yourself. Try creating a writing group for novelists if you’re working on finishing your novel, whether it’s your first or fourth. If you’re looking for friends to run with, put together your own running group. Know that initially your group will probably be pretty small, but this allows a way to get to know people in an even more intimate setting.

9. Use social media to your advantage.

Social media is a double-edged sword — it’s sometimes associated with making us more antisocial as a culture and leading to depression. But this discounts that it is social media. It has the power to connect us with others. Use social media to tap into people you haven’t seen in a while or as an avenue to ask your Facebook friends who you should know. Or take any of your interests above, for example, and find an online community you can then take offline. I’m a runner, and I’ve made some of my best friends in both New York and LA by posting about running and participating in the online running community.

If you’re nervous about making new friends as an adult, just remember that everybody has been in this situation at some point — and we promise that nobody is judging you as much as you think they are.

The post Why is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult? appeared first on Talkspace.

1. Be Yourself

This is one of the simplest pieces of advice in theory, but it can be hard for some people. Your friendships won’t be genuine if you aren’t being your genuine self. When you’re meeting a bunch of new people, it can be tempting to try to be someone you’re not to impress them, or tell white lies to seem a little cooler than you are…but don’t give in to temptation! Stay true to yourself and your interests. You’ll find other people who have the same hobbies as you and appreciate you just the way you already are. Think about it when roles are reversed. You want people to be themselves and be honest around you, right?

2. Accept The Fact That You Have To Leave Your Comfort Zone

Chances are, you’re already a little out of your comfort zone at college, so why not take a step even further out of it? If you’re always retreating to your dorm to scroll through Instagram or watch Netflix, you’re not going to make new connections. You’ve got to put yourself out there! There are plenty of ways to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people, whether it’s by joining clubs, attending dorm events, or striking up conversation with classmates after class.

3. You Don’t Need To Be Friends With Everybody

Some of the stress that comes along with making new friends in college is associated with feeling like you need to befriend everyone and anyone. While it’s great to have lots of friends, ultimately you should focus on quality over quantity. You don’t have to worry about making as many friends as possible. The reality is, you won’t be friends with everyone, and you don’t have to be! You won’t like everyone you meet, and not everyone who meets you will get along with you. That’s okay! Don’t let it get you down or make you feel discouraged. You’ll find your people with time.

4. Keep It Real

Feeling anxious? You don’t have to hide it! In fact, opening up about some of your own struggles with anxiety is a great way to connect on a deeper level with people. When you open up to people, they’ll feel inspired to do the same. Plus, there’s nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to having anxiety, whether it’s in general or just specifically surrounding making new friends. A lot of people are feeling the same things you are. You’d probably be surprised if you knew just how many people were in the same boat as you!

5. Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

If you try to make everyone happy, it’s probably going to end up backfiring. This goes back to being yourself. You don’t have to lie about your beliefs or values in order to make friends and please people. You also don’t have to say “yes” to every hangout or party you get invited to. Just like you can get burned out from studying and working too much, you can also get social burnout from socializing non-stop, especially if you’re naturally introverted. Above all else, you should want to please yourself.

6. Head To The Counseling Center

Do you feel like your anxiety is really getting in the way of you making new connections and friendships? Heading to your school’s counseling center and meeting with a therapist is a great way to cope. With a therapist, you can discuss how you feel, learn new ways to manage your anxiety, and figure out if you have something going on that’s more than just normal nerves. Head to the U Lifeline website and enter your school to learn about the mental health resources it offers, but be sure to check out your school’s site too! And if going to the counseling center doesn’t sound that appealing, online therapy can offer a convenient and flexible option. You can text your licensed therapist anytime, anywhere about any issue that comes up — from making new friends to losing old ones and all the drama in between.

7. Alone Time Is Important, Too

All of this being said, it’s super important to spend some time by yourself once in a while too, in order to recharge, reflect, and take care of yourself. Especially if you’ve been really busy and feel yourself getting strung out, it’s time to take a break! One of the most important relationships you’ll ever have is the relationship you have with yourself. Do what feels right for you.
Follow these tips and you’ll be right on track to forming solid, lasting relationships with your classmates. The more you get out of your comfort zone and socialize, it’ll get easier. With time, you’ll feel less anxiety surrounding making new friends. All you’ve gotta do is put yourself out there!

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I’ve had friendships fade as we journey through different life stages, but I’m convinced that strong friendships — like mine with high school friends who ended up with the same last name — can last through it all.

Research shows that Americans, on average, only have one close friend. This makes it even more critical to nurture the ones you have as life evolves at a different pace for each person. Here’s how you can stay friends even if you’re not at the same point on the path or if you’re on a different path altogether.

Learn to Be Flexible

Flexibility is the hallmark of any successful relationship, especially one for friends at varying life stages. Being open to change, new ways of connecting, and shifts in plans is a must if daily schedules and goals compete. When birth stories, natural diaper rash cream, and ergonomic baby carriers became conversation points for my first-time parent friends, I quickly discovered that we needed to forge a new path for our friendship.

We traded 7 p.m. dinners for happy hour to respect bedtime routines. We enjoyed new activities like morning coffee dates and explored the local trails on stroller walks. And when ear infections and fevers unexpectedly impacted our plans, I happily rescheduled, no questions asked.

Psychologist Irene Levine, Ph.D, notes that long-standing friendships are both flexible and forgiving. “That means both that they allow their friends to grow and change as they themselves grow and change, and that they understand that a lengthy relationship will be more intense at some moments than others — and that doesn’t mean it is doomed or not worth the effort,” she told the Huffington Post.

Accept That Life Often Gets in the Way

Phases are temporary, so it’s key to see friendships from a global perspective. When priorities, conversation points, and schedules fail to jibe, it can be tempting to put those friendships on the backburner. One of you may be locked into a draining MBA program and climbing the corporate ladder, while the other person is trying to survive another day with an active toddler. Regardless, you can still support each other with encouragement and empathy.

Eventually, the MBA program will end, your children will hop on the school bus and your experiences will be different. Focus on shared interests like running, your faith, or classical music that transcend life phases until you find yourselves back in a similar life stage.

It can be okay to let go

It’s healthy to recognize that people do change and grow apart — and that’s OK. Therapist Miriam Kirmayer wrote in Psychology Today that letting go of friendships that no longer serve us can be the right call.

“As we age, it’s normal that we whittle down our group of friends to those we value the most, which can include childhood companions or more recent friendships. The friendships we develop as adults can be every bit as close and fulfilling as the friendships formed when we were younger,” she said.

Celebrate Each Other’s Joy

Selflessness and unconditional love and support represent key aspects to sustaining friendships when navigating different life phases. When my post-college roommate became engaged years after I said “I do,” I searched for my wedding planning templates and refreshed my Pinterest boards — not because I had to, but because I wanted to. True friends celebrate each other’s success, milestones, and happiness regardless of whether that experience reflects our current phase of life.

I journeyed alongside her through those exciting months, letting her relish in the delight of cake tastings, champagne toasts, and a lavish honeymoon. Without overpowering her with details on what I did, how I felt, and what decisions I made years prior — I let her have her own experience and genuinely celebrated her joy through a stage which I had already passed.

In the End, Nothing Stands Between True Friends

So what’s the secret to staying friends when you’re in different life stages?

Not letting it matter.

With my close friends, it didn’t matter because we didn’t let it matter. We decided we didn’t care if one person was married while the other was single or one person lived in the suburbs while the other called downtown home. Successful, long-standing friends intentionally decide to respect each other’s varying life stages and believe they don’t need to play catch-up or blaze the trail.

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Just like any other relationship, friendships require give and take. In addition, we have the idea that true friends stick together through thick and thin, so we you put up with foibles for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes, though, friendships are unhealthy.

Warning Signs of a Toxic Friend

It’s tough to know when to stick with a friendship and when to let it die. While we want to be loyal and dedicated to our friends, our mothers’ advice — “a real friend wouldn’t treat you that way” — echoes in our minds when friends do something unkind.

Consider these troubled friendship warning signs to help you decide whether to make a change. Does your friend do any of the following?

Tells lies and breaks promises

Sometimes plans fall through but if your friend makes a habit of dumping you for better options or lies frequently, you might need to reconsider the relationship.

Makes jealous demands

Friends enjoy your company but also want you to do other things you enjoy. A friend who demands your constant attention or is excessively jealous of your other relationships may have boundary problems.

Gossips about you

This is a no-brainer. Friendship is based on trust, so if your friend spills your secrets, there could be a problem.

Discourages healthy choices

Friends shouldn’t get too upset with you over healthy changes (such as skipping an occasional movie night to go to the gym). If they’re unwilling to compromise, they might be more concerned about their needs than yours. This same logic applies if they encourage you to do things that are bad for you.

Always asks, never gives

Friendship is a two-way street, and we all depend on each other. If the demands are too often one-sided in your friend’s favor, it could be a red flag.

Makes you feel bad when you spend time with them

Sometimes you can have a great time with a friend, but then feel down or irritable afterwards. Perhaps the person is a chronic complainer or a gossip. Maybe your friend weighs you down with criticism, unsolicited advice, or makes jokes at your expense. Over time, these habits take a toll on the relationship.

What to Do with a Toxic Friendship

If you’re concerned about a friendship, you don’t necessarily have to end it outright. You might be able to salvage the relationship, just on different terms. Below you’ll find a few suggestions.

Identify your own boundaries

What are you willing to tolerate? Think about what’s wrong with the relationship and what could make it better. Start setting those limits and see if the friendship improves. Of course, it’s best if you can honestly discuss these changes with your friend, but if not, you can see how things play out with some unspoken rules.

Tell them how their demands make you feel

If your friend is overly demanding or unreasonable, speak up. You don’t have to threaten to end the relationship; just let them know what you need. And see if they’re willing to compromise.

Cut back, not out

Even if you feel you’re being taken advantage of by a toxic friend, that awareness is power. If you still find value in the friendship, you can limit the circumstances under which you will interact with this person, without cutting them out completely.

Examine your own patterns

Sometimes we get into unhealthy relationships because we have our own issues to work on. Consider whether you inadvertently encourage people to take advantage of you. Work on being more assertive to prevent repeats of the pattern. In this case, talking with a therapist can help.

Friendships are essential to help us grow and enjoy life. Most friends are important enough to us that we’re willing to overlook their flaws, just as they overlook ours. Some relationships, though, can’t be sustained in a healthy way. If you’re in a toxic friendship, someone who takes advantage of you or doesn’t treat you well, it might be time to put yourself first and set the limits you need.

The post When to Ditch a Toxic Friendship (According to a Therapist) appeared first on Talkspace.

Common Reasons Your Friends Don’t Approve of Your Partner

However, for many people, things don’t work out quite so perfectly. Your friends have a problem with your partner, or disapprove of them in ways ranging from superficial (e.g. what they look like or how they dress) to deeper (e.g., their political beliefs or how they treat you).

Here are some major reasons that friends typically disapprove of partners, and how to address each.

Your partner is different from your friends in terms of politics, values, or interests

The key issue to consider here is: are you different from your friends in the same ways? For example, there are many people who still hang out with their high school friends, but, since high school, their political beliefs or personal values have evolved.

If you are dating someone who is more allied with you than your friends, it’s not a bad thing. Often, your friends will reject them because they assume this person isn’t a good fit for you either.

One way to deal with this is to have an open discussion with your friends about the similarities between you and your partner and how well you fit together. Often, this can turn into a discussion about ways you have changed. This can be illuminating for your friends and give them a new perspective on your dating and life choices.

Your partner is not “fun”

If you enjoy hanging out with a more introverted person, more power to you. Often, introverts are deep thinkers and can hold a fascinating conversation one on one.

Unfortunately, in group settings, they do not shine, and are rarely the life of the party.

If your friends are generally more outgoing and they feel your partner is boring, it is time for a sit down discussion about all of the reasons that you appreciate your partner. Your friends will likely gain an appreciation over time for this great, but quit, person when they take the time to get to know them in a less frantic setting.

Your partner is not the “right” gender, race, age, religion

Many people, even if they are longtime friends who are otherwise kind and loving, have biases or prejudices against people who are different than them.

If you love your partner, then it’s important to put an immediate stop to your friends’ judgmental remarks about these differences. It can even be useful to say something like, “I am really hoping that your judgment about this doesn’t ruin our friendship; I love you as a friend but I can’t have my partner disrespected for these reasons.

Your partner is (they believe) disrespectful to you

There is usually a lot of truth in friends’ observations that a partner is treating you poorly. Even if your partner “acts differently” when you’re alone, why are they unable to treat you with respect and love in public? This is often a red flag, and one that is worthy of further reflection. If your friends and family have mentioned that a partner mistreats you in important ways, and you still cannot see it, it is a good idea to seek counseling in order to understand what others are seeing that you aren’t.

Settings Boundaries Works

Hopefully, these guidelines can help you figure out how to deal with the main areas of partner-friend conflict. In general, if your partner does not treat you well, that is a major red flag, but anything else your friends have a problem with needs to be handled directly with them.

Setting boundaries with your friends can be hard, but it will allow your relationship to proceed freely, and if your partner and friends are both well intentioned, they will often end up connecting over their shared connection with you.

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