1. Respecting Parenting Styles & Decisions

One of the most critical parts of healthy co-parenting is learning to support and respect each other’s parenting decisions and styles — even if they differ. It’s the only way to find harmony in the relationship. Every parent brings a unique perspective to raising children, and acknowledging the differences in parenting styles will help reduce or prevent conflict. Respecting each other’s approach not only helps the co-parenting relationship but also allows you to be a better parent by fostering a supportive environment.

To identify and agree on key principles as parents, discuss important issues like:

• Discipline
• Education goals
• Healthcare decisions
• Financial future and savings

2. Following the Parenting Plan

You can use the principles you come up with as part of your parenting plan. Think of a parenting plan as a roadmap that details essential co-parenting aspects. 

For example, your plan can outline:

• Custody arrangements
• Visitation schedules
• Individual responsibilities 
• Financial obligations
• Transportation or exchange logistics
• Decision-making responsibilities 
• Rules and discipline
• Emergency protocols
• Relocation and travel agreements
• Dispute resolution methods
• New partner or relationship guidelines

The more detailed and well-structured your plan is, the less room there is for conflict. Comprehensive parenting plans can minimize misunderstandings and offer structure for everyone.

3. Maintaining Consistency Across Households

Children love consistency, so knowing that rules and routines will be the same regardless of which home they’re in can provide a sense of security and comfort. 

Work together to come up with guidelines for things like: 

• Bedtime
• Homework
• Chores
• Screentime
• Curfew 
• Social media access 
• Mealtimes 
• Daily activities 

A unified approach to parenting helps kids adjust and transition from home to home. It also reinforces the idea that even though parents may not live together, they agree on priorities and are united in their efforts.

4. Establishing Communication Levels

Effective communication is a vital aspect of parenting. It’s a foundation that ensures both parents are informed and understand important parts of their children’s lives. 

Make an effort to give each other regular updates about:

• School progress
• Health issues
• Dietary concerns
• Extracurricular activities
• Sports practices and games
• School events
• Friend and social issues

Simplify communication by agreeing on a preferred, consistent method to communicate. Email, text, phone calls, co-parenting apps, or weekly family or parent meetings are all great ways to ensure co-parents are on the same page. 

5. Outlining Personal Life Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is a critical step in developing a healthy co-parenting relationship. They prevent conflict and help parents focus on the primary goal — raising healthy, happy children. Boundaries in co-parenting also create a way to respect each parent’s privacy and personal time and ensure neither interferes in the other’s life. 

Personal boundaries can help guarantee that both parents:

• Respect one another’s feelings
• Are honest with each other 
• Show gratitude for the other’s efforts
• Give each other space 
• Avoid codependency 
• Take responsibility for their actions 
• Respect differing opinions
• Have time to practice essential self-care for parents

“While you may be curious about your ex’s dating life, it is important to remember that the goal is to be solid co-parents who are respectful of one another and keep the children’s needs as the priority. Being able to keep the focus on co-parenting and maintain boundaries around not speaking about your or your ex’s personal life will keep the stress level lower and help you reach your goals of successfully co-parenting your children.”

– Talkspace therapist, Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH

6. Being Civil

The power of civility goes unnoticed in many relationships, but when you’re co-parenting, both parents must try to be civil. Interactions should be calm and respectful, especially when in front of children. If this is difficult, it might be helpful to remember that you’re setting a positive example and emulating what a healthy relationship looks like.  

7. Treating Each Other with Respect

When parents show each other respect, appreciate each other’s efforts, and value one another’s opinions, it ultimately benefits the children. Respect is a fundamental part of having a healthy co-parenting relationship—it helps you work as a unified front.

8. Keeping Your Child Out of Conflicts

Don’t allow your children to be caught in the middle of parental conflicts. Shelter them from disputes and disagreements, and never use them as a messenger between parents. Your job as co-parents is to protect your children’s emotional well-being. Do whatever it takes to resolve differences privately so you can show a united front in your children’s lives.

9. Refraining from Bad-Mouthing Each Other

Speaking poorly about the other parent to or in front of children is never OK. Research shows that parental alienation is profoundly damaging to a child’s mental health later in life. Refrain from these inappropriate co-parenting behaviors and address them immediately if your ex is doing this in front of your child. Focus on fostering a positive environment and adopt the old ideology: if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Encouraging a healthy relationship between children and parents promotes emotional well-being and allows you to maintain a happy home life. 

10. Being Honest

Honesty is essential in building and maintaining trust between co-parents. It helps both people feel secure in the relationship and ensures they feel like they can trust and rely on one another. 

Be upfront and honest about issues related to the children, such as:

• Schedules
• Changes in circumstances
• Social concerns
• School issues
• Financial issues
• Emotional and physical well-being

11. Following the Custody Order

If you have an official custody order in place, be sure to follow it as directed. This gives children and parents legal and emotional stability. For younger kids, it helps them understand their future regarding visitations and their living situation.

12. Setting Expectations About New Partners

Just because you’re co-parenting doesn’t mean you have to be alone forever. Eventually, one or both of you will likely be ready to move on to a new relationship. Introducing new partners into the dynamic is easier if you’re sensitive to all parties and have clear communication and healthy co-parenting boundaries already established. Setting expectations about how and when new partners should be introduced can help children (and a former partner) transition more smoothly. 

Building a Strong Co-Parenting Partnership

Co-parenting might not always be easy, but effective boundaries can help. Boundaries let you create a harmonious and supportive partnership, so you can put the children first and make sure both parents feel comfortable and at peace with the arrangement. Respecting each other’s approach to parenting, maintaining consistency across households, sticking to the agreed-upon parenting plan, and establishing clear communication patterns will strengthen the co-parenting relationship. 

Is it Normal to Feel Regret After Having Children?

Parental regret is more common than you probably assume. Recent research suggests that as many as 7 – 8% of parents experience some type of regret after having children. You might regret having kids as a result of the massive changes and pressures that come with new parenthood. It can even be a symptom of postpartum depression (PPD). This medical condition causes intense sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion and makes it hard to care for a newborn. PPD generally happens within a few weeks after giving birth.

Understanding Why You Feel This Way 

You first need to understand why you regret having kids before you can deal with it. When you know the cause behind your feelings, you can address the issue and seek support so you can navigate your confusing emotions. It’s vital that you realize your feelings of regretting motherhood or fatherhood are normal. It’s the first step toward finding a path to emotional wellness.

Societal and cultural pressures

Society pressures and cultural norms – from the stories our grandparents tell us to the images we see on TV and in films – often paint a rosy, idyllic picture of what being a new parent is like. They all emphasize the joy and fulfillment but usually overlook the fact that parenting is hard. This idealized version of parenting can create a sense of regret when your feelings don’t match the experiences you’ve been told you should be having.

Personal expectations vs. reality

You might have dreamed about becoming a parent or envisioned what life with children would be like, but when the sleepless nights and relentless demands kick in, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. If your parenting expectations clash with the reality you’re experiencing, it can lead to anything from disappointment to regret.  

Isolation from a lack of support system

Not having support or feeling isolated can enhance feelings of regret. Being responsible for a tiny life can be overwhelming and lead to parental burnout. The job can take an emotional and physical toll on you if you don’t have adequate help addressing various parenting issues.

Loss of identity and your old lifestyle

Parenthood can require significant lifestyle changes, especially in the beginning. Where you were once only responsible for yourself and maybe an adult partner, you’ve transitioned to being in constant demand, which can cause some parents to mourn their previous lives. When the freedom you once enjoyed in your old life is suddenly out of reach for the foreseeable future, the loss can manifest as parental regret as you try to navigate your new role.

The role of mental health

Mental health is a fundamental part of how new parents cope. Postpartum depression, anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions can intensify the feelings you might be having. Immediately addressing mental health concerns is essential, and seeking support can ensure you have coping mechanisms to improve your well-being.

“Some moms experience postpartum depression after the birth of their child that can impact their thoughts and cause feelings of regret. It’s important to seek mental health services when you start noticing symptoms of depression such as depressed mood, crying spells, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, feelings of worthlessness, and anxiety.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

7 Tips for Coping with Regret After Having Kids

Feeling regret after having children is an isolating and challenging experience. However, there are practical steps you can take to navigate your emotions so you can find balance and fulfillment in your role. The following 7 tips will help you cope with parental regret so you can embrace your journey.

Talk to a therapist

Seeking professional help from a qualified, experienced therapist can be incredibly beneficial in helping you manage any regret you might have. A therapist provides a nonjudgmental, safe place to explore what you’re feeling so you can identify the underlying causes. They can also help you develop strategies to cope with regretting motherhood or fatherhood. Therapy can also be instrumental in helping you address other mental health conditions you’re going through—like depression or anxiety—that might be contributing to your feelings.

Build a support network

Having a solid support network is essential if you’re finding parenthood difficult. Reach out to trusted family members, friends, or even local community groups to find a supportive network you can rely on. Having others to talk to, share experiences with, and rely on can make a difference.

Practice self-care and carve out time for yourself

Self-care often goes by the wayside when you’re trying to take on the all-consuming role of parenthood. However, taking care of your own needs is vital if you hope to be able to take care of anyone else. Make it a priority to do activities you enjoy that help you relax. You might read a book, practice mindfulness, go for a walk, or take a nap. Whatever you do, self-care for parents enables you to feel balanced and handle parenting better.

Communicate your feelings with your partner

Be open with your partner and share that you might regret having kids. It can strengthen your relationship and give you an ally during your darkest hour. By sharing what you’re feeling and the concerns you have, you can actually improve your relationship. Not to mention, your partner might be experiencing feelings like you, and discussing them can offer solidarity and support.

Focus on the positives of having children

Feeling overwhelmed is natural for new parents, but focusing on positive aspects can help you shift your perspective. Reflect on the joyful moments and milestones of parenting as much as possible and focus on your special bond with your child.

“The skill of reframing negative thoughts to more positive ones can be learned by talking to a therapist or participating in a support group. Seeking professional mental health services can be the key to reducing isolation and coping with regret that new moms often experience.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

Set realistic expectations

Regret sometimes stems from feeling like you’re failing as a parent. Setting realistic expectations for yourself means acknowledging that perfection is unattainable. You’ll have good and bad days as a parent; this is normal and OK. Parenting is a learning process, and it’s expected to make mistakes, so be gentle with yourself. Try to reduce the pressure you place on yourself to live up to unrealistic standards so you can feel peaceful with your parenting experience.

Join parent support groups

Connecting with other parents who can relate to what you’re going through can be incredibly comforting. Find a support group you can join, either online or in person, to share your feelings and get encouragement from others.

Work Through Your Emotions with Talkspace

Parenting is complex, and regret is more normal than most people realize. It’s a valid – yet manageable – part of the parenting journey. Understanding the causes will help you take proactive steps to get through this difficult time. Talking to a therapist, building a support network, practicing self-care, and being honest with your partner are ways to challenge and overcome your feelings.

It can be frightening to feel regret about having children, but with the proper support, you can find a solution—and remember, you’re not alone. There’s hope for a brighter future in your role as a parent.

Seeking professional help is a critical first step in managing your feelings if you regret having kids. Therapy provides insights and support, teaching you coping strategies to manage your emotions effectively. Talkspace is an online platform that offers accessible and effective therapy catered to your exact needs as a parent. Explore the benefits of online therapy today and take that leap of faith. You can have a fulfilling parenting experience, and it starts with Talkspace.

Examples of Inappropriate Co-Parenting Behaviors

Research shows that co-parenting can work for children under a joint custody agreement. A healthy co-parenting relationship can lead to positive development, better adult relationships, and general well-being for the child. Yet even under the best circumstances, co-parenting can be challenging, especially if you suspect or know that inappropriate behaviors are present. 

Recognizing what inappropriate co-parenting behaviors can look like is the first step in changing things.

Badmouthing the other parent

It’s never OK for one parent to badmouth the other in front of a child. This type of behavior causes confusion, anxiety, and loyalty conflicts that can damage the child’s psyche. It can also undermine the child’s relationship with both parents. Even worse, it fosters an environment of hostility and mistrust.

“If children witness one parent bad mouthing the other parent, they have a significantly higher probability of participating in triangulation. Children start to mimic the bad mouthing of the parent, which can translate into how they treat their friends, peers, and other professionals.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC

Using the child as the messenger

Using a child to relay messages between parents is completely inappropriate. It’s stressful and a responsibility children should not have. It causes emotional strain, since the child becomes a conduit for communication that’s most likely way too mature for them. Parents should always communicate directly with one another, and have their child’s best interest in mind.

Manipulating the child’s affection

Manipulating a child’s feelings toward another parent is emotional abuse that’s never appropriate. This behavior typically involves guilt-tripping, bribing, gaslighting, or influencing how the child perceives the other parent, which can eventually lead to parental alienation.  

Harassing the other parent

Harassment takes many forms and can include things like excessive calls, texts, aggressive confrontations, showing up when not invited or wanted, or anything else that disrupts a cooperative and peaceful co-parenting dynamic. Behavior like this creates a toxic environment that will negatively impact everyone.

Interfering with the other parent’s time

In most co-parenting situations, it’s common for children to have designated time with each parent. Interfering with the other’s scheduled parenting time, via a last-minute change or with intentional disruption, is harmful and confusing to the child. A consistent visitation schedule agreement is essential for the child to feel like they have stability and predictability in their environment.

Inconsistent parenting rules

Although it may be difficult, it is important to find a way to have consistent parenting rules in both households. Inconsistent parenting plans, rules, or expectations between homes can be upsetting to a child while undermining discipline in one home or the other. Parents should strive to match parenting styles and rules and should come to a private agreement so the child doesn’t struggle to understand boundaries and expectations.

Withholding information

Withholding information about a child’s well-being — including medical issues, school progress, social activities, or significant events — is unfair to the other parent. Being transparent and having open communication with each other about your child’s needs is crucial with this type of parenting plan.

“When one parent withholds information from another parent, and the children start to understand what is happening, they may adapt to a culture filled with omissions. And when children stop sharing about what is bothering them, you often see them act out behaviorally instead.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC

How to Deal with Inappropriate Co-Parenting Behavior from Your Ex

Navigating co-parenting can be particularly difficult when dealing with an ex who’s exhibiting inappropriate behavior. It can create a toxic environment and make maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship impossible.

That said, there are ways to deal with inappropriate co-parenting behavior to ensure that your child remains the priority.

Set boundaries and expectations

Establishing and communicating clear boundaries and expectations is critical to maintaining a respectful co-parenting relationship. Make sure you explain your limits and the behaviors you won’t tolerate – creating a list of co-parenting boundaries works well for this. You also must consistently enforce boundaries to reduce conflict in the future.

Communicate effectively and respectfully 

Healthy communication is the foundation of any successful co-parenting relationship. Communicate clearly and concisely, and if face-to-face communication is too difficult, use written communication via email or text. Keeping a record of your interactions can be helpful if you need to reference the history of inappropriate co-parenting.

Lead by example

Taking the high road can go a long way when dealing with a parent who shows inappropriate behavior. It’s a powerful way to help your child understand what healthy relationships should look like. Setting a positive tone might even encourage your ex to reciprocate the same kindness and respect.

Focus on the child’s best interests

Even if you have nothing else in common, keeping your child’s well-being at the forefront of all co-parenting decisions is generally something both people can agree on. Consider how your actions and responses will impact your child when conflicts arise. Reframing the situation in your mind to prioritize your child’s needs over your grievances might help you keep a healthy and stable mindset.

Opportunity for clinician insight – Share tips on how you can put your child first when dealing with inappropriate behavior from the co-parent.

Seek professional help

Sometimes, you can do all of this, and it just isn’t enough. If inappropriate behaviors persist and begin to affect your co-parenting relationship or your child, it might be time to seek professional help. Talking to a therapist allows you to air your grievances and learn how to navigate co-parenting with a difficult ex-partner.

Document incidents and behaviors

If your ex-partner has a pattern of inappropriate behavior and you’re concerned about the impact it will have on your child, document all incidents and behaviors. Keeping a detailed record of each incident might be helpful if you ever need to take things to mediation or pursue legal action. Documentation can serve as evidence that helps you demonstrate the unhealthy patterns your child is witnessing.

Find Support for the Challenges of Co-parenting

Parenting is hard, and co-parenting is no easier. Sometimes, it can be downright excruciating if your ex is exhibiting inappropriate co-parenting behavior. It’s vital to ensure your child’s emotional and psychological well-being is protected. 

Seek help from your network of friends, family, and support groups. You can also get help from professional resources, like a therapist, co-parenting counselor, or anyone qualified who can ensure your child’s emotional well-being. For convenient and accessible support, consider using Talkspace, where you can connect with licensed therapists online to navigate the complexities of co-parenting and maintain your child’s well-being.

What Causes Mom Stress?

Understanding the root cause of mom stress is the first step in managing it. Mothers deal with countless stressors every day, and each one can contribute to an overwhelming feeling of being stretched too thin and unable to juggle demands.

Familiar sources of motherhood stress include:

• Balancing work and family life: Successfully dealing with professional responsibilities and family obligations can make a working mother feel like they’re in a constant game of tug-of-war. This continuous juggle can lead to burnout — according to research, parental burnout happens all over the world — and makes it impossible for a working mom to succeed in either area.
• Managing household responsibilities: Keeping the house clean, shopping for and preparing meals, handling never-ending piles of laundry, and managing basic household maintenance can contribute to a high-stress level and make it feel like you have an endless to-do list you just can’t get through.
• Dealing with childcare & education: Staying on top of emails with teachers, coordinating schedules, helping with homework, and ensuring your child gets the best care possible is demanding, time-consuming, and stressful.
• Financial pressure: Trying to provide for the family while managing expenses adds another incredible layer of parenting stress to your job.
• Lack of personal time: Finding moments for self-care or time to relax can often fall to the bottom of your list.
• Health and well-being concerns: Worrying about your health or the health of a child can be a significant source of anxiety and stress for any parent.
• Relationship strains: Navigating marital or partnership dynamics and ensuring you still have enough energy to pay attention to the children can create tension and conflict that are difficult to overcome.
• Society, expectations, and comparisons: The pressure to meet the demands of society, combined with the inclination to compare yourself to other moms, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
• Sleep deprivation and fatigue: Most moms suffer from a lack of sufficient sleep at some point. Research shows that fatigue can exacerbate stress and negatively impact mental and physical health.
• Emotional and mental health challenges: When a mom is dealing with parental anxiety, depression, or any other mental health condition, it adds to the daily struggles and stress of motherhood.

“Motherhood goes hand in hand with our internal biases and aspirations, as we all grow up acknowledging things we do and don’t want to be or be like. With that comes all the external pressures in our families and environments. When we finally arrive, the challenges of “balance” can take us by surprise. Commit early to the things that make you characteristically happy, and don’t refuse yourself those opportunities, even if they are brief, to indulge. That will keep you actively engaged instead of woefully passive in the mundane.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

10 Ways to Cope with Mom Stress

Figuring out how to cope with mom stress is essential to living a balanced life. Effective coping strategies can help you navigate the difficulties of motherhood. Here are 10 practical ways to cope with mom stress.

1. Recognize the signs of mom stress

First, one of the most essential ways to deal with motherhood stress is by recognizing there’s an issue in the first place. When you understand you’re stressed, you can learn how to manage it.

Common signs of mom stress include:

• Irritability
• Fatigue
• Difficulty sleeping
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Loss of appetite
• Inability to concentrate

By acknowledging your symptoms, you can take proactive steps to address them before they escalate into something much worse.

2. Carve out “mommy me-time” for self-care regularly

When dealing with mom stress, that analogy about putting on your oxygen mask first rings true.

Dedicating time for yourself every day – even just a few minutes – helps you recharge and improve your mood. Do you enjoy reading, working out, or taking a bath? Self-care for parents is essential for managing emotional well-being.

3. Establish a support system

Support is crucial for moms. Surround yourself with people who understand your challenges and can relate to the mom stress you experience. Friends, family, and other moms can offer you emotional support, practical help, and a sense of community that can get you through the tough days.

4. Set realistic expectations

Feel like you’re failing as a parent? Being realistic about what you can do and setting goals you can actually achieve will help you let go and accept your limitations. Ultimately, setting realistic goals and healthy expectations can allow you to slow down and focus on what truly matters.

5. Learn to delegate responsibilities

Being a good mom doesn’t mean doing everything yourself. Delegating tasks and responsibilities to others—your partner, older children, hired help—will reduce your workload so you have the time to take care of the things you need to do.

6. Incorporate mindfulness and relaxation techniques

Practicing mindfulness meditation or deep breathing exercises for anxiety and stress helps you calm your mind and reduce stress.

“The proof is in the pudding regarding the benefits of meditation, mindfulness, yoga, and all of the above. A mindful perspective is known to lower cortisol, our stress hormone, which decreases our stress experience and prevents disease and chronic stress in the body. An easy proactive breath practice or even a brief yoga session can do the trick. Mindfulness is a win-win for moms.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

7. Create a daily routine

Daily routines aren’t only good for the kids. Structure and routine give everyone stability and predictability in their days. A consistent schedule helps you manage your time more effectively and can help you fit new, important priorities in. Routines can reduce the chaos in life that leads to stress and mom burnout.

8. Seek professional help if needed

There’s no denying it: being a mom is hard. At some point, you might feel that you need professional help. Seeking help is brave and strong — it’s not a sign of weakness.

Signs that you might need help can include:

• Prolonged feelings of sadness
• Inability to stop crying
• Anxiety
• Anger
• Being unable to sleep or sleeping too much
• Change in appetite
• Having trouble functioning in your daily life
• Not performing primary self-care, like showering or getting dressed
• Using substances like drugs or alcohol as coping tools
• Self-medicating
• Thoughts of leaving
• Thoughts of self-harm

9. Connect with other moms

Building connections with other moms who can relate to your experience can be incredibly comforting and rewarding. Join mom groups, set up and attend play dates, or find online forums where you can exchange advice and stories and find support. Additionally, consider checking with local schools to see if Early Head Start or Head Start programs are available in your area. These programs can provide valuable resources and support for both you and your child. You can learn more about these programs through Child Care’s official website.

10. Prioritize your physical health

As a busy mom, finding the time to prioritize your physical health can be difficult. However, taking care of yourself is critical to having the energy to take care of your children and manage your stress.

Make sure you get enough sleep, eat balanced and nutritious meals, engage in regular physical activity, and take care of regular doctor appointments. Remember that staying in good physical health is a natural energy boost and will help you build resilience.

Overcoming Your Mom Stress

Mom stress can feel debilitating and overwhelming, but the good news is that it’s possible to overcome it. Managing stress and anxiety is essential for your well-being and ability to be a happy, healthy mom. From recognizing the signs of mom stress to finding a support system and practicing self-care, there are effective ways to focus on what matters — being a great mom.

The strategies discussed here are designed to help you manage stress effectively and improve your well-being. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury; it’s a necessity if you want to be a better parent and the best possible version of yourself.

If you still feel stressed, even after implementing some or all of the coping strategies you’ve learned, consider seeking additional support. Talkspace offers convenient and accessible online therapy options to help you navigate the challenges of motherhood.

With Talkspace, you’ll work with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home, so you don’t even have to find childcare to get to your appointments. Find out how to get personalized support with Talkspace today.

The Need for Boundaries with Your Adult Children

There are many reasons why setting boundaries with your adult children is essential. It’s not just about guiding your grown child anymore. Having healthy boundaries is also about preserving the health and harmony of this new stage in your relationship. Research shows that tension between parents and adult children is common, but if you let things get out of hand, your relationship can suffer — sometimes irreparably. Family boundaries help you define expectations and responsibilities to reduce resentment and disappointment on both sides.

Promoting independence

Having clear boundaries encourages adult children to be responsible for their own lives. By setting limits, you’re ultimately helping them make their own decisions, solve their own problems, and learn from their experiences. Boundaries promote personal growth, self-reliance, and other traits that help people navigate adulthood and maintain healthier relationships. 

Maintaining respect

The boundaries you set will help you and your adult child maintain respect in your relationship. Clear guidelines on acceptable behavior and communication ensure that both parties understand and honor each other’s limits.

Preventing overdependence

When adult children lack boundaries, it’s easy for them to become overly reliant on their parents. They might expect or demand emotional, financial, or practical support at a time in their lives when they should be able to do things on their own. 

By encouraging your children to become independent, you’re helping them in more ways than you might realize. They’ll learn to seek the resources and support they need outside of your relationship so they can have a balanced, healthy life and friendships.

Protecting your peace

Parenting is hard and boundaries are necessary to maintain your peace. You’ll always be their parent, but setting boundaries with your adult children protects your well-being. You spent a lot of years being constantly available for your kids. Maintaining the same relationship with them when they become adults can lead to frustration. Set limits to ensure your children understand and respect that you’re at a stage in life where you need to prioritize peace. 

“Clear boundaries, or as one of my clients liked to say, guidelines, are a sign of a healthy relationship. Relating requires knowledge of what the other person likes, dislikes, and what makes them feel overwhelmed. If we continually allow a family member to overwhelm us or provide what we don’t like, then we have not set clear boundaries. By communicating guidelines, we teach people constantly by what we do and do not allow.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Key Areas for Setting Boundaries

You can keep your relationship with your adult children healthy by setting boundaries for specific areas in life. 

Some common areas to touch on might include: 

• Financial support
• Living arrangements
• Personal space and privacy
• Communication
• Social or family events 

Financial support

You’ve spent decades being financially responsible for your child. When parenting adult children, establishing financial boundaries helps encourage independence. It’s OK to clearly define any conditions that might come up where you’d be willing to offer some type of financial assistance potentially. If you do so, be sure to outline what you might be willing to provide. 

Having these guidelines in place can help your adult children learn to manage their finances so they can plan for their future without constantly relying on you.

Living arrangements

Whether they live with you or are on their own, setting boundaries around living arrangements sets future expectations so there are no surprises. Talk about rent, chores, and shared spaces if your adult child lives at home or ever decides to move back. If they live somewhere else, having guidelines about visits can ensure mutual respect for one another’s time and space.

Personal space and privacy

Respecting each other’s personal space and privacy is fundamental to a healthy parent-child relationship. Start by setting clear expectations about personal belongings, rooms, or areas in the home. Be sure to stress the importance of general respect for privacy. At the end of the day, having your personal space is crucial to maintaining your peace. Whether you need the personal space to practice self-care for parents or get certain responsibilities done, you should be allowed that.

Communication

Effective communication is the cornerstone of all relationships, but it becomes especially important if you’ve experienced any type of family drama in the past. To ensure respectful and constructive interactions, set boundaries about how, when, and where you communicate with your adult child. This might mean limiting the frequency or timing of calls or visits to ensure you both have the space to live your lives.

Social and family events

Establishing boundaries around family events or social activities helps set clear expectations that will reduce stress ahead of time. 

You might cover your expectations regarding attendance, behavior, or how involved they’ll be.

How to Set Boundaries with Adult Children

If your children grew up with few or no boundaries, the process of setting them now may be difficult to navigate on your own. 

The following tips can help you as you’re setting boundaries with adult children.

Communicate openly and honestly

Open and honest communication is central to setting boundaries. Talk about what you need and concerns you have about your adult children, and encourage them to share their feelings. Having transparent, open conversations ensures your children understand your needs and helps you both learn how to respect each other.

Establish clear expectations

One of the most crucial parts of setting boundaries is making sure expectations are clear. Make sure you explicitly define and lay out your expectations regarding your adult children’s behavior, responsibilities, and the interactions you have. Whether you’re setting boundaries about financial contributions, chores, or respect for personal space, defining expectations will prevent misunderstandings in the long run.

Respect each other’s space and privacy

Respecting each other’s space and privacy is so important. It helps foster a sense of independence and can reduce conflicts by laying out the boundaries regarding personal belongings, time alone, and when, where, and how you contact one another.

Seek professional help if needed

If setting boundaries has become too overwhelming or challenging, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can offer strategies and valuable insights that will be instrumental in setting effective boundaries. Talkspace makes the process convenient and accessible with online therapy so it’s easier for everyone in the family to get the support they need. 

Practice consistency and follow-through

The hardest part of setting boundaries is being consistent and following through. Consistency is key, though. Once you’ve sent guidelines, following through on the consequences is essential if your boundaries are crossed. It will establish trust and respect and ensure that your boundaries are taken seriously.

Be prepared for resistance

It’s common for people to be resistant to change, so don’t be surprised if your adult children are resistant to the boundaries you’re trying to implement in the beginning. Change can be hard, and although they may initially push back, staying firm and patient will encourage your children to respect your boundaries.

“When we feel that our clearly stated boundaries are not being respected, we may have to be the enforcer. The enforcer would need to learn that a firm “no” can be appropriate to stand up for the way you need to be treated and respected. If this seems really difficult and brings up issues of “people pleasing,” you may need to start addressing that issue first.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Reinforce positive behaviors

Remember to acknowledge and be grateful when your children respect your agreed-upon boundaries. Positive reinforcement will encourage them to continue to take your boundaries seriously.

Reevaluate and adjust boundaries as needed

Boundaries should be flexible—they’re not set in stone. It’s important to periodically reevaluate and adjust expectations and limits. Accommodating circumstances and life changes and being flexible with your boundaries will keep them relevant and effective in the long run.

Embracing Healthy Boundaries for a Stronger Relationship

Setting healthy boundaries with your adult children fosters mutual respect, independence, and a strong relationship. When you communicate clearly to set expectations and openly respect each other’s needs, boundaries can be very positive and helpful. 

Use the tips here to prevent overdependence and empower your adult children to thrive independently. A balanced and respectful relationship lets you and your children enjoy personal growth and a strong bond. 

If you need additional support navigating the complexities of setting boundaries, Talkspace can be a resource that offers professional guidance and online therapy. Our therapists can offer valuable insights on boundaries and strategies tailored to your family’s needs.

Discover the benefits of online therapy with Talkspace, where you’ll get the support you need to establish healthy boundaries and build a strong relationship with your adult children. Reach out today to learn more.

Identifying the Roots of Your Self-Doubt

Before addressing parental failure, it can be helpful to explore the roots of your self-doubt, including the pervasive feeling of mom guilt. Lack of confidence can come from societal pressure, social media, comparing yourself to other parents, past experiences, and so much more.  

When you understand where your feelings of inadequacy are coming from, you can take steps to overcome them.

Understanding societal pressures and expectations

Society often places unhealthy, even unachievable, standards on what it means to be a “good” parent. The expectations can be overwhelming, leaving you feeling like you are falling short and are a bad parent. From parenting styles to health decisions to education choices, societal pressures can significantly and negatively impact how you view yourself as a parent.

The impact of social media on parenting perception

We often hear about the harmful effects of social media on teens, but rarely do we talk about what it’s doing to parents. Social media can be a source of support and information, but it also creates an unrealistic portrayal of parenthood and can be detrimental to mental health, leading to negative feelings. 

Those curated, perfect snapshots of family life leave many parents questioning their parenting skills, environment, and abilities. Research on social media shows it creates self-doubt and an increase in stress, distraction, and depression in parents.

Comparing yourself to other parents

You don’t need social media to compare yourself to other parents—it’s easy enough to do on your own. Comparison is a natural human tendency, and it can even be healthy in some ways. That said, it can also become detrimental to your sense of self and cause you to think that you’re a parenting failure. 

Developing a habit of observing other parents who seemingly have it all together can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. Remember that everyone’s parenting journey is unique, and things are not always as they seem. What you see at the park is not always what’s going on behind closed doors.

Personal past experiences influencing your parenting

Past experiences and upbringing can impact your parenting style and self-esteem. Negative experiences, unresolved issues, or trauma from your childhood can contribute to how you feel about yourself as a parent and add to self-doubt about the job you’re doing. 

In studies, past trauma that leads to shame and self-doubt can make some parents anxious and insecure about the choices they make for their children.  

“Views on parenting are changing with the times. In the past, parents would make decisions because of past experiences or the ways they were parented themselves. It’s important to note that the ways we were parented were not always correct, and making changes that are better for your family is acceptable. Just because it was done to us does not mean that the practice must continue.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Managing unrealistic expectations of parenthood

Unhealthy and unrealistic expectations can be harmful to parents. Believing that you must be perfect and not make a mistake or that parenting should come naturally and be easy will most likely lead to disappointment when reality eventually collides with your ideals.

Dealing with lack of support or resources

Not having support or resources can be isolating for parents, especially if you’re a single mom or dad. Feeling alone and unsupported amplifies self-doubt and makes the challenges of parenting feel impossible to overcome. It would be easy to assume that failed parenting is a given, but access to resources and a support system can turn everything around.

Recognizing the role of fatigue and stress

Fatigue and stress can become everyday experiences for parents. They’re so prevalent that researchers have coined the term “parental burnout” (PBO) to define the state of physical and psychological exhaustion many parents today feel. The Parental Burnout Assessment survey was developed to measure exhaustion, emotional distancing from children, how parenting changes you, and feeling overwhelmed. 

Chronic exhaustion can cloud your judgment and heighten feelings of inadequacy to the point that you might not even be able to recognize your strengths or success as a parent.

The influence of child behavior on parental self-doubt

Parenting is hard, and your child’s behavior, particularly during the challenging phases, can make you question your ability to parent effectively. Tantrums, defiance, and developmental issues can all contribute to feeling like you’re failing as a parent — even though these are all normal and healthy parts of childhood development.

What to Do if You Feel Like You’re Failing as a Parent

Even though most parents have moments when they feel like a failure, it can still be an overwhelming and isolating experience. It’s important to remember that your feelings are common and that you can overcome them.

Adopting strategies and tools to address self-doubt will foster a healthier, more confident approach to your parenting style. Use any or all of the following to help you cope and thrive as good parents.

Acknowledge your feelings

First, acknowledge your feelings. Overcoming any sense of failure in life means recognizing and accepting your emotions so you can confront them. Understanding why you’re feeling this way is crucial to finding a solution.

Seek support

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Building a community of others who understand what you’re going through will provide invaluable perspective and support. Share experiences, challenges, and even triumphs with the people in your network. Coming together and having a sense of community can alleviate feelings of isolation.

Reflect on your parenting goals

It’s essential to take time and reflect on your parenting goals and values every once in a while. As your children grow, your goals will likely change — doing the occasional checks and balances can help you remember or redefine what’s truly important.  

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is underrated. The power of being kind to yourself is unparalleled when it comes to the demanding aspects of parenthood. It’s normal to make mistakes — you are human, after all. Give yourself grace and treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer your children when they don’t get things right the first time. Self-care for parents can also be crucial for practicing self-compassion.

Set realistic expectations

Setting realistic, healthy expectations can reduce feelings of failure as a parent. Once you genuinely believe that perfection is unattainable, you can accept that doing your best is enough. If you place lofty expectations on yourself, look at what you’re trying to achieve and determine if you’re setting yourself up for success.

Focus on the positive

The power of positivity cannot be understated. Concentrating on the positive aspects of your parenting and celebrating small victories instead of focusing on parenting mistakes will improve your self-image. Acknowledge your successes, no matter how small or minor they might seem. It’ll boost your confidence and give you a more balanced perspective of your ability as a parent.

Learn and adapt

Parenting is a never-ending learning process. It often feels like as soon as you get one thing down, your child’s needs change. The way you parent your children at 5 will and should be different than when parenting teenagers. Be willing to learn new techniques and stay open to adapting your approach as your children grow. Flexibility helps you navigate parenting challenges more effectively and can improve your parenting skills over time.

“Giving yourself grace and learning from your past mistakes is important. Be honest with yourself and your children about your mistakes and the ways you’ll change. It is also okay to discuss these potential changes with your children to help them understand why you are making changes.”

– Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Seek professional help

Feeling like a parental failure can be so overwhelming that finding a way out seems impossible, but seeking professional help can be a game-changer. 

Therapy can provide a safe space to explore deep-seated issues that are affecting your parenting. It can offer strategies and coping mechanisms to manage parental anxiety and build self-confidence. Using the techniques you learn in therapy will help you stop feeling inadequate and develop a positive, resilient approach to parenting.

Find Support to Thrive as a Parent

So many of the challenges parents face today cause feelings of failure. With the right strategies, though, you can overcome self-doubt and become the successful, confident parent you’ve always wanted to be. 

Acknowledging your feelings, finding support, practicing self-compassion, and being realistic about how much you can do are all ways to transform the parenting experience — for both you and your children. If you’re struggling, get help. Building a support network with other parents and getting therapy can help you grow and overcome that terrible feeling of failing as a parent.

Talkspace makes getting help accessible, affordable, and straightforward, with online therapy covered by insurance. Investing in your mental health is crucial to feeling capable as a parent. Remember, every parent faces challenges, but you can gain strength and confidence with the proper support. 

Learn more about online therapy and how it can help your parenting by contacting Talkspace today.